Breaking the Silence: Why We Struggle to Talk About Grief and How Counselling Can Help You Navigate Loss

Grief is perhaps one of the most universal human experiences, yet in the UK, we seem particularly uncomfortable talking about it. We've become masters at avoiding the topic, changing the subject when someone mentions their loss, or offering well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful platitudes like "they're in a better place now" or "at least they're not suffering anymore."

As a counsellor who has supported many clients through bereavement, I've witnessed firsthand how this cultural silence around grief can leave people feeling isolated and misunderstood during their darkest moments. Today, I want to explore why we struggle so much with conversations about loss and, more importantly, how therapeutic support can help you navigate this most difficult of journeys.

Why Are We So Bad at Talking About Grief in the UK?

Our Cultural Heritage of Emotional Restraint

There's something deeply embedded in British culture about "keeping a stiff upper lip" and "getting on with it." We've inherited generations of emotional restraint, where showing vulnerability or deep emotion was seen as weakness. This cultural conditioning runs so deep that many of us feel genuinely uncomfortable when faced with raw grief - whether our own or someone else's.

We've been taught to be polite, to not burden others with our pain, and to somehow "get over" loss quickly and quietly. But grief doesn't follow social conventions or timelines, and this mismatch between what we're expected to feel and what we actually experience can be incredibly isolating.

The Fear of Saying the Wrong Thing

I've lost count of how many people have told me they avoid someone who's grieving because they "don't know what to say." There's this pervasive fear that we'll make things worse, that we'll remind them of their loss (as if they could forget), or that we'll say something insensitive.

So instead of risking discomfort, we cross the street, send a quick text, or simply disappear from the grieving person's life altogether. Meanwhile, the person who's lost someone feels not only the pain of their loss but also the secondary loss of friendships and support when they need it most.

The Pressure to "Move On"

Our society seems to have an unofficial timeline for grief. We're allowed a few weeks to be sad, perhaps a month or two if it was someone very close, but after that, there's an expectation that we should be "moving on" or "getting back to normal."

But here's the truth that I share with all my clients: there is no normal after loss. There's only learning to live with the absence of someone who was important to you, and that's a lifelong process, not a destination you reach.

Understanding Grief: It's Not What You Think

Grief Isn't Just About Death

When we think about bereavement, we often focus solely on death, but grief encompasses so many other types of loss. You might grieve the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, a miscarriage, an empty nest when children leave home, or even the loss of your health or mobility.

I've worked with clients grieving all sorts of losses, and each one is valid and deserving of support. Sometimes people feel guilty for grieving something that isn't a death, but loss is loss, and your pain deserves acknowledgement.

The Myth of the "Stages" of Grief

Many people come to counselling worried that they're not grieving "correctly" because they haven't followed the famous five stages of grief in order. Let me be clear: grief is not a linear process with neat stages that you tick off one by one.

Grief is messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. You might feel angry one moment and peaceful the next. You might think you're "over it" only to be blindsided by a wave of sadness weeks later. This is all completely normal and natural.

Complicated Grief and Unresolved Loss

Sometimes grief becomes what we call "complicated" - not because you're doing anything wrong, but because there are additional factors that make the grieving process more difficult. This might happen when:

• The relationship with the person who died was complicated or troubled

• The death was sudden or traumatic

• There are unresolved issues or things left unsaid

• You're dealing with multiple losses at once

• You lack support from friends and family

Complicated grief isn't a sign of weakness - it's a signal that you might benefit from additional support to work through the complexities of your loss.

How Counselling Can Support You Through Grief

Creating a Safe Space for Your Pain

One of the most important things counselling can offer is a space where your grief is welcome. No one will tell you to "cheer up" or suggest that you should be "over it" by now. In my practice, I've seen how healing it can be for someone to finally have permission to feel the full depth of their loss without judgement.

Your grief, whatever form it takes, is valid. Whether you're crying every day or struggling because you can't cry at all, whether you're angry or numb or somewhere in between - it's all okay.

Working with the Inner Child and Loss

Often, when we lose someone important, it's not just our adult self that's grieving - our inner child is too. That younger part of you might be feeling abandoned, scared, or confused about where the person has gone.

Through inner child work, we can help that vulnerable part of you understand what's happened and receive the comfort and reassurance they need. Sometimes the inner child holds memories and feelings about the person who died that the adult mind has forgotten, and accessing these can be profoundly healing.

Processing Complicated Emotions

Grief isn't just sadness - it can include anger, relief, guilt, fear, and even moments of joy. These mixed emotions can feel confusing and overwhelming, especially when they don't match what you think you "should" be feeling.

In counselling, we can explore all these emotions without judgement. If you feel angry at the person who died for leaving you, that's understandable. If you feel relief that their suffering is over, or even relief that a difficult relationship has ended, those feelings are valid too.

Addressing Unfinished Business

One of the most painful aspects of loss can be the things left unsaid or undone. Perhaps you wish you'd told them you loved them more often, or maybe there was a conflict that was never resolved. These regrets can become a source of ongoing pain if they're not addressed.

Through therapeutic techniques like letter writing to the deceased, we can help you express these unfinished thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we might do visualisation exercises where you can have the conversation you never got to have. While this doesn't change the past, it can bring a sense of completion and peace.

Practical Approaches to Coping with Grief

Honouring Your Loved One's Memory

Grief counselling isn't about "getting over" someone or forgetting them - it's about finding ways to carry their memory forward whilst still being able to live your life. This might involve creating rituals or traditions that honour them, keeping meaningful objects, or finding ways to continue their legacy.

I often encourage clients to think about what their loved one would want for them. Would they want you to stop living because they've died? Usually, the answer is no - they'd want you to find joy and meaning again, whilst still holding them in your heart.

Building a Support Network

The isolation that often comes with grief can be one of the most painful aspects of loss. In counselling, we can explore who in your life might be able to offer support and how to communicate your needs to them.

Sometimes this involves having honest conversations with friends and family about what you need. You might need to tell them that you want to talk about the person who died, or conversely, that you need breaks from talking about your loss.

Self-Care During Grief

Grief is exhausting - emotionally, physically, and mentally. It's crucial to be extra gentle with yourself during this time. This might mean accepting that you can't function at your usual level, asking for help with practical tasks, or simply giving yourself permission to rest.

Self-care during grief isn't about forcing yourself to feel better - it's about sustaining yourself through a difficult time. This might include maintaining basic routines, eating nourishing food, gentle movement, or spending time in nature.

Dealing with Grief Triggers

Certain dates, places, songs, or even smells can trigger intense waves of grief. Rather than trying to avoid all potential triggers (which is impossible), counselling can help you develop strategies for coping when you're caught off guard by grief.

This might involve breathing techniques, grounding exercises, or having a plan for what to do when grief overwhelms you in public. Over time, these triggers often become less intense, though they may never disappear entirely.

When Grief Affects Daily Life

Recognising When You Need Extra Support

While grief is a natural response to loss, sometimes it can become overwhelming and interfere significantly with your ability to function. You might benefit from counselling support if:

• You're unable to accept that the loss has occurred

• You're avoiding reminders of the loss to an extreme degree

• You're experiencing intense grief that isn't lessening over time

• You're having thoughts of joining the person who died

• You're using alcohol or substances to cope

• You can't maintain basic self-care or responsibilities

Remember, seeking help isn't a sign that you're grieving "wrong" - it's a sign that you're taking care of yourself during a difficult time.

Grief and Depression

Sometimes grief can trigger depression, or existing depression can complicate the grieving process. The two can feel very similar, but there are important differences. Grief tends to come in waves and is specifically related to the loss, while depression often feels more constant and all-encompassing.

In counselling, we can help you understand what you're experiencing and develop appropriate support strategies. There's no shame in needing additional help if depression becomes part of your grief journey.

Moving Forward: Integration, Not Recovery

Redefining What "Better" Means

Society often talks about "recovering" from grief, but I prefer to think about integration. You don't recover from loving someone and losing them - instead, you learn to integrate that loss into your life in a way that allows you to function and find meaning again.

This doesn't mean forgetting them or "getting over it." It means finding a way to carry their love and memory with you as you continue to live your life. The goal isn't to stop missing them - it's to miss them without it completely overwhelming your ability to experience other emotions and connections.

Creating New Meaning

One of the most profound aspects of grief work is how it can ultimately lead to a deeper appreciation for life and relationships. Many clients tell me that while they wouldn't choose to go through their loss, it has taught them important lessons about what truly matters.

This doesn't happen overnight, and it's not something you need to rush towards. But in time, many people find that their experience of loss has made them more compassionate, more present, or more determined to live authentically.

Finding the Right Support for You

Different Types of Grief Support

Counselling isn't the only form of support available for grief, though it can be incredibly beneficial. You might also find comfort in:

• Grief support groups where you can connect with others who understand

• Spiritual or religious communities if that's part of your beliefs

• Creative expressions like art, music, or writing

• Memorial activities or charitable work in your loved one's honour

The key is finding what feels right for you and not feeling pressured to grieve in any particular way.

What to Expect from Grief Counselling

In grief counselling, there's no agenda to "fix" you or make your sadness go away. Instead, it's about providing a safe space to explore your feelings, memories, and the impact of your loss. We might use various approaches, including talking therapy, creative exercises, or techniques to help you connect with your inner child's experience of the loss.

The pace is entirely yours - there's no timeline you need to follow or milestones you need to reach. Some people find a few sessions helpful, while others benefit from longer-term support.

Breaking the Silence Around Grief

If you're supporting someone who's grieving, remember that often the most helpful thing you can do is simply be present. You don't need to have the perfect words or try to make their pain go away. Just showing up, listening without trying to fix, and continuing to include them in your life can make an enormous difference.

And if you're the one who's grieving, please know that your pain is valid, your tears are necessary, and you don't need to carry this burden alone. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Grief is love with nowhere to go, and that love deserves to be honoured, not hidden away. In breaking our cultural silence around loss, we create space for healing - not just for ourselves, but for everyone who will face grief in the future.