Is My Teenager Making Excuses or Do They Really Have Mental Health Problems?

When Young People Use Mental Health to Avoid Responsibilities: Why This Is Actually a Cry for Help

As a counsellor, I'm hearing this concern more and more from worried parents: "My teenager says they can't do their homework because of anxiety," or "My child won't help with chores because they're 'too depressed.'" Some parents feel frustrated, wondering if their young person is using mental health as an excuse to avoid responsibility. Others feel guilty for even questioning their child's struggles.

If you're facing this dilemma, you're not alone - and your concerns are valid. But here's what I want you to understand: whether your young person has a diagnosed mental health condition or not, when they're using mental health as a reason to avoid tasks and responsibilities, this is actually a red flag that deserves our serious attention, not our dismissal.

The Rise of Mental Health Awareness - And Avoidance

There's no denying that mental health awareness among young people has dramatically increased. This is largely positive - young people are more likely to recognise their struggles and seek help than previous generations. They have vocabulary for their experiences that many of us didn't have at their age.

However, this increased awareness has created a complex situation. Some young people have learned that mentioning mental health often leads adults to back off from expectations or demands. What starts as genuine struggle can sometimes evolve into a pattern of avoidance that actually makes their mental health worse, not better.

This doesn't mean they're "faking it" or being manipulative. It means they've discovered that avoidance provides temporary relief from anxiety, pressure, or feelings of inadequacy. But like all coping mechanisms that involve avoidance, it tends to strengthen the very problems it's meant to solve.

Understanding Avoidance as a Mental Health Symptom

Here's the crucial point that I want every parent to understand: when a young person consistently uses mental health concerns to avoid responsibilities, this pattern of avoidance is itself a mental health warning sign, regardless of whether they have a formal diagnosis.

Avoidance is one of the most common symptoms across various mental health conditions - anxiety disorders, depression, ADHD, and trauma responses all frequently involve avoidance behaviours. When young people avoid school, homework, social situations, or family responsibilities, they're often trying to manage overwhelming feelings in the only way they know how.

But avoidance creates a vicious cycle. The more we avoid something that feels difficult or scary, the more difficult and scary it becomes. A young person who stops doing homework because it triggers anxiety will find that homework becomes even more anxiety-provoking over time. Their academic confidence erodes, they fall behind, and the task becomes genuinely more overwhelming.

The Difference Between Accommodation and Enabling

As parents, you face a delicate balance. You want to support your child's mental health needs while also helping them develop resilience and responsibility. Understanding the difference between healthy accommodation and harmful enabling is crucial.

Healthy accommodation might look like:

• Adjusting expectations during acute mental health crises

• Providing additional support or structure around challenging tasks

• Breaking large responsibilities into smaller, manageable steps

• Allowing extra time for completion while maintaining the expectation that tasks will be completed

• Seeking professional help to address underlying mental health concerns

Enabling avoidance might look like:

• Completely removing all expectations during mental health struggles

• Accepting "I can't because of my anxiety" as a permanent solution

• Doing tasks for your young person that they're capable of doing themselves

• Allowing mental health concerns to become a blanket excuse for avoiding all responsibilities

• Not seeking professional support when patterns of avoidance persist

The key difference is that accommodation provides support while maintaining appropriate expectations, whereas enabling removes expectations altogether.

Why Avoidance Makes Mental Health Worse

From a therapeutic perspective, avoidance is one of the most significant factors that maintains and worsens mental health problems. When we avoid situations that trigger difficult emotions, we never learn that we can cope with those emotions. We never develop confidence in our ability to handle challenges.

For young people with genuine anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions, complete avoidance of responsibilities can actually deepen their struggles. They may experience:

• Decreased self-efficacy: The belief that they can't handle normal life tasks

• Increased isolation: Withdrawal from school, social activities, and family life

• Loss of identity: When mental health becomes the primary way they understand themselves

• Delayed development: Missing opportunities to develop crucial life skills

• Increased dependency: Relying on others to manage tasks they could handle with support

This doesn't mean we should ignore mental health struggles or push young people beyond their genuine capacity. It means we need to find ways to support them that build resilience rather than reinforce avoidance.

Common Patterns I See in Practice

In my work with families, I see several common patterns when mental health becomes a way to avoid responsibility:

The Overwhelmed Perfectionist

This young person has such high standards for themselves that anything less than perfect feels like failure. Rather than risk not meeting their own expectations, they avoid trying altogether. They might say they're "too anxious" to do homework, when actually they're terrified of producing work that isn't perfect.

The Learned Helplessness Response

Some young people have experienced genuine trauma or overwhelming stress that taught them they have no control over outcomes. They've learned that avoiding situations feels safer than trying and potentially failing. Their mental health struggles are real, but avoidance has become their primary coping strategy.

The Secondary Gain Pattern

This young person has discovered that mental health concerns lead to reduced expectations from adults. What may have started as genuine distress has evolved into a pattern where mental health becomes a way to avoid challenges. They're not necessarily being manipulative - they may genuinely believe they can't cope.

The Identity Fusion

Some young people become so identified with their mental health diagnosis that it becomes central to how they see themselves. They may unconsciously resist getting better because they don't know who they would be without their mental health struggles.

Red Flags That Suggest Avoidance Patterns

As a parent, how do you know when mental health concerns are being used to avoid responsibility in unhelpful ways? Here are some warning signs:

• Selective application: Mental health only seems to prevent certain tasks (like chores or homework) but not others (like gaming or seeing friends)

• Immediate relief: Your young person seems fine once the expectation is removed

• Resistance to help: They don't want to explore strategies to manage their mental health around responsibilities

• No progression: Despite time and support, there's no gradual improvement in their ability to handle tasks

• Expanding avoidance: The list of things they "can't do" because of mental health keeps growing

• Defensive responses: They become angry or upset when you suggest ways to work through mental health barriers

How to Respond With Both Compassion and Boundaries

If you recognise these patterns in your young person, here's how you can respond in a way that's both supportive and helpful:

Validate Their Feelings, Not Their Avoidance

"I can see that you're really struggling with anxiety about this homework. That must feel awful. Let's think about how we can make this more manageable for you." This acknowledges their emotional experience while maintaining the expectation that the task needs to be completed.

Collaborate on Solutions

Instead of either demanding they push through or allowing complete avoidance, work together to find middle ground. "What would help you feel more able to tackle this? Should we break it into smaller pieces? Do you need a break first? Would it help to do it together?"

Address the Mental Health Directly

Don't just accommodate the symptoms - seek to understand and address what's driving them. This might mean professional counselling, developing coping strategies, or making lifestyle changes that support better mental health.

Maintain Appropriate Expectations

Young people need to know that while their mental health struggles are real and valid, they don't excuse them from all responsibilities. Life will always involve some tasks that feel difficult or uncomfortable, and learning to manage these feelings is a crucial life skill.

Model Healthy Coping

Show your young person how you handle tasks that feel overwhelming or anxiety-provoking. Talk them through your thought process when you're doing something difficult but necessary.

The Role of Professional Support

If patterns of avoidance are becoming entrenched, professional support can be invaluable. A qualified counsellor can help distinguish between genuine mental health limitations and avoidance patterns that are making things worse.

In my practice using Emotional Therapeutic Counselling (ETC), I work with young people to:

• Understand their emotional patterns: What triggers their avoidance and what emotions they're trying to manage

• Develop genuine coping strategies: Skills that help them manage difficult emotions while still engaging with life

• Build self-efficacy: Confidence in their ability to handle challenges

• Process underlying issues: Often avoidance stems from deeper fears, past experiences, or negative beliefs about themselves

• Strengthen family relationships: Helping families find the balance between support and enabling

Supporting Without Enabling

One of the most challenging aspects of parenting a young person with mental health struggles is knowing how to be supportive without being enabling. Here are some practical strategies:

Start Small and Build Up

If your young person is avoiding all household responsibilities due to mental health concerns, don't expect them to suddenly take on everything. Start with one small, manageable task and gradually increase expectations as they build confidence.

Focus on Effort, Not Outcome

Praise your young person for trying, even if they don't complete tasks perfectly. "I'm proud of you for starting your homework even though you were feeling anxious" reinforces the behaviour you want to see.

Provide Structure and Support

Some young people need more external structure to manage mental health challenges. This might mean working alongside them, using timers, creating visual schedules, or breaking tasks into very small steps.

Don't Take on Their Emotions

It's natural to want to rescue your child from difficult feelings, but learning to tolerate distress is a crucial life skill. You can provide comfort and support without removing all sources of discomfort from their life.

Seek Your Own Support

Parenting a young person with mental health challenges is exhausting. Make sure you're getting the support you need, whether through counselling, support groups, or trusted friends and family.

When Mental Health Is Genuine vs. Avoidance

Sometimes parents worry that they're being unsympathetic if they question whether mental health is being used to avoid responsibility. It's important to remember that both can be true simultaneously - your young person can have genuine mental health struggles AND be using those struggles to avoid difficult tasks.

The goal isn't to determine whether their mental health is "real" or not. The goal is to support them in managing their mental health in ways that build resilience and life skills rather than increasing dependency and avoidance.

Signs that mental health struggles are genuine (even if avoidance is also present):

• Consistent patterns across different areas of life

• Distress even when expectations are removed

• Willingness to try strategies to manage symptoms

• Gradual improvement with appropriate support

• Recognition that avoidance isn't helping them feel better

Building Resilience for the Future

Ultimately, our job as parents and counsellors isn't to remove all challenges from young people's lives - it's to help them develop the skills and confidence to navigate those challenges successfully. This means:

• Teaching emotional regulation skills: Helping them learn to manage difficult emotions without avoiding their triggers

• Building problem-solving abilities: Working with them to break down overwhelming tasks into manageable steps

• Developing distress tolerance: Gradually increasing their capacity to cope with uncomfortable feelings

• Fostering independence: Supporting them to take increasing responsibility for their own mental health and life tasks

• Maintaining connection: Ensuring they know they're loved and supported regardless of their struggles

A Message of Hope

If you're dealing with these challenges in your family, please know that this is a phase that can improve with the right support and approach. Young people who learn to manage mental health challenges while maintaining engagement with life often emerge stronger and more resilient.

The key is finding the balance between acknowledging their struggles and helping them develop the skills to work through those struggles. This isn't about being harsh or unsympathetic - it's about loving them enough to help them build the resilience they'll need for adult life.

Mental health struggles are real, and they deserve compassionate response. But that compassionate response should include helping young people learn that they can cope with difficult emotions and situations, not just avoid them. When we do this well, we're not just addressing current symptoms - we're building foundations for lifelong mental health and resilience. So, the next time you hear a teenager in your life making excuses by blaming their mental health problems, take a deep breath and ask yourself what's the real struggle behind this claim.

Taking the Next Step

If you recognise these patterns in your family, consider reaching out for professional support. A qualified counsellor can help you and your young person navigate this delicate balance between support and accountability. Remember, seeking help isn't a sign that you've failed as a parent - it's a sign that you're committed to helping your young person develop the skills they need to thrive.

The goal isn't to eliminate mental health struggles - it's to help young people learn that they can have mental health challenges and still engage meaningfully with life. With the right support, understanding, and approach, this is absolutely possible.